Everyone who has kept up with my previous blogs, knows that my best friend & other half, my granddaddy, passed away this past May due to a battle with cancer. I had always dreamed of him being a huge & significant part in my wedding. Walking me down the isle, going to pick out the perfect dress with me, you name it & he was sure a part. To say that I loved him more than life itself is definitely an understatement. We went through everything together, & him being here to celebrate my wedding journey with me was at the top of the list.
This past week I went to look at wedding dresses, & sure enough I said "Yes to the dress!" It was definitely one of the best days of my life, aside from the day of our engagement. However, there was a part of me that felt empty & to be quite honest, sad. It sure is sad looking at wedding dresses, right? Just kidding. My granddaddy was the other half of me, the 'better half' I like to call it. Being at the bridal salon looking at wedding dress, receiving comments from everyone, & staring at myself in the mirror in all these beautiful gowns really made life start to sink in. When I say 'Life' I mean, my granddaddy no longer being with us. Although he has been gone now for about 2 months, it really took something this big & exciting for me to realize that he is no longer with us. I couldn't help but cry at something that is meant to be so exciting. I can guarantee you that if he was at the store with me that day, he would have an opinion & definitely a say so! "That dress is too tight." "That dress shows too much skin." Although he had many many comments & opinions of his own, picking the perfect dress without him wasn't the same.
As the days pass on, I know for a fact that my grandfather is still with me. No matter where I'm at, who I'm with, or what time of day it is. He's always with me. I would be lying though if I said I haven't been selfish throughout this process, & sometimes even angry with God. "Why did you take him from me?" "Why take him right before something so important to me?" The questions still continuously run through my head. I can honestly say that I have never been so angry & upset about something in my entire life as I am with his passing. However, rather than sitting & dwelling on my loss & wishing something that cannot come true, I need to focus on the present & that he is still with me.
Now, let me make it clear that planning a wedding without Cohen Mathews is NOT fun. Like there are some parts of the wedding I seriously dread planning, because it's just not the same as if he were here. However, that is not how he would want me to act & go about life, especially planning a wedding. "Let me see that pepsodent smile," he would say. Rather than focusing on the grieving and his loss, be in the present. Take in every moment throughout this process, & be happy! All my granddaddy ever wanted was for me, his sweetheart, to be happy. Heaven gained a precious angel on the day of his passing, and in return I received a guardian angel that is always with me.
As I wrap up this blog post, & go back to all the crazy wedding planning, I want to leave you guys with something... Embrace life, live in the present, & love your loved ones. We are never promised tomorrow, & at any point your loved one can be gone. Appreciate the days you have & never take them for granted. I can close by saying that I loved my granddaddy unconditionally, & he knew exactly how I felt about him. On September 18th, 2016, my wedding day, he will be there. No he may not walk me down the isle or be sitting on the front row beside my grandmother, but he is there in spirit.
"Grief is like an ocean, it comes in waves, ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim."
[Vicki Harrison]
XOXO - Savannah
